Love. Self. Entirely.

The End of National Blog Posting Month

The idea that I actually made it is amazing. It wasn't as hard as I expected but I am quite glad to go back to my original schedule of posting.

Today is my last day in Maryland, I'll be back in Atlanta tonight. It was a fun vacation, it was filled with new memories and remembrances of times past.

I saw old friends, my auntie (who looks and laughs just like mother) and bonded with my father. Even though my family is quite dysfunctional - I'm glad that the family that I talk to is around and that I loyal friends that buffer all the holes where my old family once stood. 

Tuesday means it's back to the grind. It's going to take me a minute to adjust to being back at work and to start getting back involved with school and things of that nature. Classes end on December 11th so I'm almost there, so I can't blow it now. I bought my brother's christmas gift on Black Friday - even though, I'm sure I'll give it to him on his birthday. 

I'm actually looking forward to December. 

Last Night

I am thankful for true friends. Even though I don't get to see them as often, I am glad to have them in my life. 

Yesterday, I went out with my gay boyfriends; I heart them big time. I sound so high school when I say this but it's true, I really do love them. We ended up going to The Hippo which is this old gay club and we ended up dancing, looking at all the interesting people and finishing the night off listening to some bad karaoke. It was a wonderful night.

I had drinks, some good snacks (my poor diet) and wonderful company. What more could a girl ask for? I didn't realize how much I missed Baltimore - I'm still don't want to live in Maryland - but I am entertaining the idea of living in the DC metro area at least.

We shall see. I just know Atlanta is definitely going next year.

Glee - True Colors (Full HQ Studio)

 

I really need to start watching Glee with a box of tissues, I've been getting more emotional over this show more than I do things that are happening to me in real life. Which is a refreshing change, it's nice NOT to have drama flowing around me. 

So this past episode had the Glee squad competing against other glee clubs in a competition that would get them ready for regionals. The first was an inner school squad that of course broke it down by performing such gems as "Bootylicious" and songs of that sort, which I loved. A deaf school caught wind of it and the next thing you knew their glee club showed up to do battle. They sang Imagine in ASL and I could feel the waterworks come. It was so beautiful, it touched everyone even the actors in the show, you could see it; it was just amazing. 

Now, I'm a Cyndi Lauper fan so I was delighted when this past episode ended with the gan singing True Colors. I can't help but to share it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Black Friday

I had a great Thanksgiving with my father, I miss being around him the older that I get. I do wish my brother had a chance to come but at the same time, I get insanely protective of him which would cause some tension, I'm sure.s

Next time, must take baby steps.

Tonight, I'll be standing outside with one of my friends that I've known since elementary school.  Do you have a person in your life that you don't have to talk to all the time or see every day but when you meet up it is like you never missed a day? Well, that's she and I - which is testament to the fact that I'm accompanying her for Black Friday, which is definitely not my scene. I don't care to shop like this, I rather do it online but I'm sure it will be interesting. I have to meet her at midnight...midnight...I'm not even sure what time the store opens, I'm going to need some coffee.

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I plan to work out, stay put and work until I have to go out with my father and step-mother. Today, I want to express my thanks for the things I'm happy about in my life.

• I have peace of mind.
• I traveled more this year than I have in a long time and next year, I'll do even more.
• I decided to go back to school, seriously. I have applied to schools in the past and have been accepted but I never follow through...not this time.
• I decided that I will be moving overseas next year and I'm excited about that.
• I found a roommate until February to help with expenses.
• My car maintenance is pretty okay.
• I have gotten closer with my best friend in Atlanta.
• I'm thankful that my brother and I are still extremely close even though we don't live together anymore.
• I'm thankful that I'm challenging my ideas of design and I'm starting to be creative.
• I'm happy that the people in my life, I chose them and they chose me and we bring stability and reliability to our lives.
• I'm thankful to still have a job with a boss that I love in this economy.
• I'm happy to stumbled upon a lot of interesting blogs that give me hope, a sense of clarity or the much needed laugh because I really need it sometimes.
• I'm just thankful to be healthy and for the most part happy.
• I'm thankful that my dad is doing well with his kidney transplant and that both my brother and I are taking better care of ourselves health wise.

I hope everyones Thanksgiving is a blessing OR if it isn't that you have plenty of booze to get you through it!

BWI Bound

Tomorrow, I'll be landing in Maryland at this time. I'm excited to see my friends and my dad not so much the stepmother but she's part of the package. 

I was talking to one of my derby friends about how I wished I liked to see my family but it's just not the case. I'm happy to be able to spend the holiday with my father but I can't deny that I want to bring those miniature vodka bottles that you can buy at the liquor store and I'm not even that huge fan of vodka but I might need it to make it through dealings with the step mother.

I'll be hard at work, though. Just noticed that I have some statistics homework due next weekend so I need to get a serious hold on all that. I've become so fucking serious lately, I don't even know what to do with myself.

Blasts from the Past

It's funny that within the span of 3 days, I have come in contact with three people from my past. 

The first one was this boy I had an absolute crush on when I was in middle school and again in high school (even though I was just playing the role of the 100% straight girl at the time). He was tall, thin, into musicals, kind and hilarious - he was perfect (in my eyes, anyway) even though at the time he seemed a little bit "off" not in a bad way but off nonetheless. 

Creatively Dreaming Part Deux

I'm looking back at some of my old entries of not having my dreams accepted by my family and doing what they wanted because I wanted to feel accepted even though it wasn't the real me that was being taken in.

One entry particular reached back at me especially in regards to black families and how some believe in raising their children. I do believe my family was on the extreme end of it but I also know that you can only do what you are taught unless you are strong enough to break outside of that. And the truth is, that not many people are willing to do the legwork to do that.

I think that I have done some things that are ingrained in my DNA but I can look back and reflect and know not to do it again. It might take me awhile to get there but I do, eventually. 

The person I was when I was writing that blog no longer exists. I'm not saying that I'm leaps and bounds ahead of that person but where I am now is not a bad place to be. I'm still chained to this house but I won't let myself be stuck here for another year. I am creating again, I have business cards, the website space has been reserved and I'm challenging my ideas of design and creating quirky things that showcase my personality. I'm teaching myself programming (slowly), I'm boning up on my French skills.  I started to travel more and I'm excited about traveling more during this upcoming year (some trips will be alone this time). I'm ready to go back to school (seriously) and I'm ready to leave the US for a chance to push the idea of what I know and deem to be true that much further.

I don't want nor do I need my family around to validate my dreams. I don't desire it anymore. I know that now. I have cut ties to the damaged parts and I'm moving forward from here on out and I don't want to apologize for it. 

My Weekly To - Do

I'm going to take Shannon's Advice on starting a weekly to-do list. I need to get my procrastination under control. I have all these mini projects in various stages and I need to get something completed. Granted, this is a huge part of my DNA - I am the person who will juggle many thing simultaneously and only have one completed. 

With my going away for the greater portion of this week, I aim to resolve a good portion of this list. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

1. Write my SOP's for the graduate programs. 
2. Send the paperwork to all the people who are writing my recommendations. 
3. Put the main page up for my website.
4. Write down the concept for my next blog/project.
5. Knit two scarves for the Shepherd Spinal Center Family Project.
6. Clean my room before I leave to go home.
7. Finish all my holiday card designs.
8. Start typing up my screenplay.
9. Out of the 4 books that I bought last week, my goal is to finish 1 - if I can get two done, all the better.
10. Start looking at the workshop schedule from last years Sex 2.0 (quite excited about this) and begin organizing it for next year. 
11. Go to a crafts store, I need to stock up on supplies. I'm making gifts this year.
12. Fold my clothes. I hate folding clothes.
13. Call USAA about my wooden floor in the hallways. I'm hoping my house insurance covers it and I don't have to come out of pocket.
14. Look for a washer and dryer. 
15. Try to attend a dance class before I go back home.
16. Get my coat and boots out of storage.
17. Talk to storage facility about switching into a smaller storage unit.
18. Plan out visits with friends. Right now, I'm ALL over the place.
19. Build an arsenal of blog posts. I don't want to have to write for this blog until next Tuesday - if I can help it.
20. Write down advertising concepts.

Okay, this is just a small list. Let's see how many I can get done. 

Home

Since my mothers' passing and with each year going by me, I've come to realize that I seemed to have stepped into your shoes as the family nurturer and protector but at the same time I feel that I failed in regards to the mental upset that my brother went through. 

My dad remarried less than a year after my mom died. How he went about is was pretty fucked up and to this day I have never once congratulated him on his decision. I do understand why he did it (he isn't cut out to be alone) but the whole situation is shady, shady, shady! I will probably go into detail about it later one day but right now, that is not the focus of this blog post.

My brother lived with my dad at this time and when my brother tells the story, I'm become so enraged. First, my brother was manipulated badly (he was a momma's boy and he needed a maternal figure), how my dad turned his back on his only son when it suit him (my father is hugely passive-aggressive) and just how my brother was being mentally beat down and destroyed. It hurts me to know that my dad allowed it (I'm not saying my brother was or is completely innocent) but even with the bad sides to my brothers personality I know the type of person that he is and I can see he is hurt even still and he has lived in Georgia for close to two years.

I can't help but feel torn. I love my father but I don't like parts of him because I don't believe my mother would have let this train wreck happen but if I look at how my father was raised, I guess I can't really be all that surprised.

It still doesn't stop it from it from hurting though.