Love. Self. Entirely.

Black Folk & Their Dating Hypocrisy

Every time I have a conversation with a black male friend and I mention that I'm open to dating other races (across the sexes) and at first I'm applauded saying that is a good thing. Then what comes right after that, "As soon as you open yourself up, you're BLACK MAN will come into your life."

Excuse me? Did you hear what I just said? So, I decide to try something new and that means that as soon as I do that my ideal black man will come and sweep me off my feet.

Why is my ideal black and why are they male?

I'm tired of having people downplay things that I tell them OR gloss over them like I never mentioned it. I don't know whom I'll end up with (man, woman - I mean) I don't think about it. I just want someone that treats me well and has common sense, which you would think it would be easier to find since I have dated both men and women in my past but it's really not. 

I did subscribe to the notion that my ideal was a black person and my preference would be black but I have come to the conclusion that it might not happen for me and I'm cool with that. 

I just hate it when I'm open about something new and it's downplayed like I should be just "wait around" and my time will come eventually. Truthfully, if I was only into men I'd be upset especially black men because the state of black men these days leave little to be desired for me. That's a whole other post though, I'm not saying all black men are bad either just that the pickings are slim and I won't even go into black women in the South (the ones that like girls), they might be just as bad as the men here. Which is why I hardly ever date, I like to keep my sanity!

My Extended Family

This morning I received a text from my father stating that I need to get in contact with Tu-Papa (my grandfather) and my Aunt Von (my mother's older sister). To most that would be a simple text but when I  read it, I was overcome with a sense of trepidation. Mainly because, I don't like most of my dads extended family. My dad is the only boy out of 5 kids and he was often put on a pedestal (my family is also religious and Southern - if that clues you in on anything). They didn't like my mother, they felt she didn't raise us with any type of sense or respect mainly because I was allowed to speak my mind (I spoke my mind with respect, mind you) and my youngest aunt, had issues with my father and I's relationship because I'm a daddy's girl. 

My Mom's Anniversary

Tulips were her favorite flower. Same as me, actually. I remember us both being excited to see them growing in Amsterdam when we visited there when we lived in Germany. I even remember us standing on top of windmills, looking out over the ponds feeling like we were about to blow over because of how strong the wind was. I felt so free then and I'm sure she did too - in her own way. 

My mother died this day a few years ago and you would think it wouldn't be so difficult or hard but it is. I miss her a lot these days especially since I find it so hard to focus on myself for lengthy periods of time but I know (and she knows) that focusing on me is what I need to do right now. 

This post is for my mother. She raised me the best way she knew how and I hope to expand on what I learned from her (the good and bad) and apply it to my own children. I want to learn to put myself before others healthily and I want to blossom into my full potential in this life. Thank You, Deborah Kaye for being there for me like no one else ever has and I'm honored to have been your daughter.

I'll love you forever.

Dogfight - A "Love" Story

No, I'm not talking about animals or fighter planes. 

I am not exactly sure why I’ve stumbled back across this movie but I instantly remembered why I love this movie so much.

Dogfight. A love story that takes place during the Vietnam era in San Francisco starring the late River Phoenix and Lili Taylor (my boo). I won’t go into detail about the flick but I do believe everyone should see it at least once. The message stands as much now as it did back in 1991 (when it was filmed) as well as the time frame during which the movie itself takes place; it’s that good.

Anyone knows me, knows I’m not big on love stories or romantic pictures. Not because I’m currently single – I’ve always been like this – coupled or not, I just don’t tend to care too much about contrived, by the book romance stories. 

For the longest, my idea of romance was Casablanca now I will consider some other movies in there but only when I’m feeling particularly angsty. Still, Dogfight I can watch during any of my moods and I’d still love it just the same.

The feeling of youth; finding love where you never expected to find it and enjoying it in the present moment while at the same time your world is changing. To be able to capture it the way the director did was pretty amazing. What appeals to me is the reality of all of it. It’s not as contrived as most romance pictures, the girl isn’t helpless – even though she is naïve – the man doesn’t have to save her – he needs some guidance himself. The “love” scenes are sweet and innocent and your heart (in turn) goes out to each of the characters.

Two worlds colliding and breaking away from each other a little different than they were before but still set to go onwards in the paths that they have created. There are no miracle answers or cures, just real life that shows actions and consequences. It’s beautiful and even though it’s sad that this movie didn’t get a lot of recognition, part of me is kind of glad it’s not that well known. It’s a hidden gem proving that two people can come together despite differences, learn from each other and still be their own person.

It’s (to me) the realism of love not the fluffy pink contrived stuff of Hallmark cards or sappy movies! It’s about the newness, the awkwardness not to mention that the soundtrack is amazing but I’m a hippie music junkie. 

 

 

 

 

This Song is for my Inner Gay Boy (or boi).

I recommend Beautiful People to everyone who ever stumbles upon this little blog of mine. It's British though, so if you are not a fan of their humor you might find it annoying. The show is amazing in my opinion and the music is pop utopia!

If anything, listen to the music or this song. It's insanely catchy. Now, I just need to watch an episode of Glee and my transformation will be complete!

In Limbo

Lately, I have been in a weird mood. I have fleeting bouts of anxiety about being alone coupled with long hours of wanting to be just left the hell alone. It's odd; I'm not even trying to say it makes sense it's just how I feel at the moment. 

My boss feels I should be on Eharmony trying to find a man to settle with but right now, I can't picture it. I don't have the patience and yes, I have moments when I want someone near me but I can't predict when - or for how long - I'll want to be alone next. It's not fair to either person whether we are casually dating or not.

Imagine

It's one of those days, I'm afraid. This song always makes me feel hopeful and right now - where I am in my life - this song fits me perfectly.

I know any song is open to your own interpretation but this song makes me see that it doesn't matter how old you are, you can still (and I believe, you always should) have hope.

With all the changes going on in my life right now and all the fear I'm dealing with there will always be hope as long as I choose to see it.

Battling the Alone Factor

All weekend, I have been battling the same basic emotion. Being alone. I've been rationalizing out in my mind, trying to make sense of it because it's been at the back of mind haunting me lately. My sleep patterns are all off, I can't be bothered to exercise and I was actually happy to be sick a good portion of this week because it would force me to sit in my loneliness and finally deal with it.

So I did.

And what I realized that my own thoughts, my own personal thoughts are damaged but at least I'm the only one that can see the truth well enough to sort them out. So, even though I will admit being surrounded by nothing but my own thoughts has unnerved the shit out of me; I actually haven't taken that much initiative to get me out of this situation. Soon, old thoughts came back to me about how I liked to be left alone and how much I enjoyed reading and listening to music like I used too. Without escaping from the daily strain of my personal life of how much I owed or how I felt like I was second to the person that I loved most. 

I will admit it hurts like hell and I rather not but I think to the future of being complete within myself and free - finally. Even though it hurts and I'm scared and some days all I can do is stare at my screen and dream, I will go through it alone this time. I ask for help when needed (which is huge for me) and then I go off and do what I need to do. I stumble, I fall backwards and some days I don't move an inch but on the days I can feel myself stronger than where I was once before - even if it's just a tiny blip on the radar of self fulfillment - then I know what I'm doing - this self imposed exile is really worth while.

If anything, I'm reading a lot of books right now. I have read 3 out of the 4 Twilight saga novels in 2 days, discovered a lot more blogs, went out to eat alone and realize that I need to design a newsletter layout before Wednesday (my second paid gig!), baby steps, baby steps...

Tarot Readings at the Beach

This past weekend, I got my cards read at the beach. It's the first time that I've done something like this so I wasn't sure what to expect. Growing up we were raised not to do these things and for awhile I didn't even dream of it. I just lumped tarot into the occult alongside the ouija board and all those other "games".

I haver been wanting to get my cards read for awhile mainly because I wanted to just experience to see if it's just some foolishness or maybe there is some credibility. So I let my friend, Jen read my cards. I thought quickly about the question I wanted to ask (it pertained to should I focus more on my current job OR should I start working on my second business more). I will have to perfectly honest, those cards read me like a book; it actually was too close to comfort.

I'm normally not moved by these type of things but it was so eerie. I was immediately taken aback, yea...I'm sure it sounds crazy to people who don't believe in that stuff but being that I'm a natural skeptic I didn't think it would have been so close.

Fast forward to yesterday, my friend sent me a job proposal that she wants me to accomplish for her newsletter. Basically, she wants me to redesign it for her so she have a sleeker interface.

I'm not saying the tarot cards predicted that because in all honesty that's not what tarot does but I find it amusing how things are starting to form a line of some sorts. This time I won't stop myself but will ride it out. I owe myself that much.

Cleaning Out My LIfe

LAWD!

I have so much crap around me that I don't need! My boss remarked to me this morning (referring to the office) that he can tell I don't keep a "clean house". I was slightly offended because I do - in fact - keep a clean house (right now it looks like shit, I digress) but my office is not my house and he dirties stuff up too! 

Well, right now I'm looking around my office surroundings and it is quite dirty. Papers everywhere, empty water bottles and tons and I mean TONS of post it notes (I'm obsessed). I need an organization U-haul, for real.