Love. Self. Entirely.

I have realized...

...that I'm way too hard on myself. I'm hard on myself and I allow it to cripple me at times. Case in point, yesterday during the tornado/monsoon weather that we were experiencing in Georgia, I was curled up in the SO's bed, discussing schools and what not both of us enjoying the time that we had together. Now, call me private (which is irony being that I blog) but I find it hard to talk about my future school ideas with anyone outside my besties. Being that, I'm used to people analyzing and breaking down every little thing that I do; the besties get a pass because we've been through the war together and I know them.

I don't know the SO in that way...yet. She is as driven as me, that is for sure and she keeps me motivated to succeed in so many ways. I guess part of me is thinking about the big picture, in that, should I let my walls down enough when I would like to think we should be together for awhile but with how we want to conduct our educational goals; I'm not sure how feasible it all is.

Another thing about me: I think A LOT.

Suffice it to say, I ended up a slight emotional wreck. Now, when that happens I typically shut down and can't communicate not because I don't want to but I don't know how. Also, I'm not too keen on talking about emotional things when you are emotional; I rather wait until the storm has passed and I can look outside my situation which can happen in a matter or hours or days depending on the particular circumstance. 

I'm still on the fence about Parsons MOSTLY due to the financial aid aspect. I have to wait to see how much I'm going to get. The scholarship will cover housing but it is NYC and I'm going to need more than that in order to survive and work is really not an option. I'm also waiting on GSU, I ordered new books for the GRE (and maybe one for the LSATs) because I'm just about to go all in...with everything.

I found out yesterday that I'm too old for the Rhodes Scholarship, which I'm not saying I planned on applying for but I think the realization of it all finally set in that I really don't have that much time. I know of people older than me who are in different stages of their academic career but I'm not going off of them but off of where I want to be. The fact is that I'm tired and I've been tired for awhile now and I'm ready to move forward.

Hence, my being hard on myself and sending myself into the welcoming arms of a nervous breakdown. I need to curtail that part of my personality, I just know I will be in the academic hustle for the next few years and part of me wishes I planned differently but I didn't.

Life got in the way and I had to take care of some things but now that I finally got a grip (and in some cases discarded), I can focus more on school now, which is both an awesome and nerve-wracking thing but I remind myself now that this is all up to me. There is no one else left in standing in my way this time.

Trying to Keep Positive

Last week, I posted about trying indoor rock climbing at Atlanta Rocks! It was fun, I actually did better than I expected, I was the only one in my group who could climb to the top of one of the harder walls. I don't know HOW I did it because prior to the climbing I had to do one of the hardest 2 hour derby practices of my life (I was being assessed for the upcoming year) and I was already feeling weak. I found the strength to keep on, keeping on but the last wall, I got to over half way and I had to call it a day. Two hours of hardcore skating combined with two hours of rock climbing, I think I did pretty damn good.

At least, I succeeded at the rock climbing. I didn't pass my assessment, I really think some of it was on some bullshit but even though I felt like quitting then and there because I really did give it my all. I know deep down that I'm not a quitter - it stems from my family always putting me down - I can't ever let anyone know that they've gotten me and see me sweat. SO, I'm taking a mental derby vacation and I'm going to do other workouts and get myself back into sparring shape. I gained some weight last year and now I'm slowly starting to lose it. I just have to keep up with the good work. I have until April, I think I can do it by then.

This week, I plan to do Bikram Hot Yoga in Decatur. I bought a 5 class card and there is also a $30 ten day consecutive class offer for newbies, so I plan to do that.

My Weekly To - Do

I'm going to take Shannon's Advice on starting a weekly to-do list. I need to get my procrastination under control. I have all these mini projects in various stages and I need to get something completed. Granted, this is a huge part of my DNA - I am the person who will juggle many thing simultaneously and only have one completed. 

With my going away for the greater portion of this week, I aim to resolve a good portion of this list. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

1. Write my SOP's for the graduate programs. 
2. Send the paperwork to all the people who are writing my recommendations. 
3. Put the main page up for my website.
4. Write down the concept for my next blog/project.
5. Knit two scarves for the Shepherd Spinal Center Family Project.
6. Clean my room before I leave to go home.
7. Finish all my holiday card designs.
8. Start typing up my screenplay.
9. Out of the 4 books that I bought last week, my goal is to finish 1 - if I can get two done, all the better.
10. Start looking at the workshop schedule from last years Sex 2.0 (quite excited about this) and begin organizing it for next year. 
11. Go to a crafts store, I need to stock up on supplies. I'm making gifts this year.
12. Fold my clothes. I hate folding clothes.
13. Call USAA about my wooden floor in the hallways. I'm hoping my house insurance covers it and I don't have to come out of pocket.
14. Look for a washer and dryer. 
15. Try to attend a dance class before I go back home.
16. Get my coat and boots out of storage.
17. Talk to storage facility about switching into a smaller storage unit.
18. Plan out visits with friends. Right now, I'm ALL over the place.
19. Build an arsenal of blog posts. I don't want to have to write for this blog until next Tuesday - if I can help it.
20. Write down advertising concepts.

Okay, this is just a small list. Let's see how many I can get done. 

Stunted

I have hit this road block of sorts in regards to my design life.

I hate road blocks; yes, I'm resilient but I still fucking hate road blocks. I've been trying to get the web page up for my design business but it's just not shaping up the way I want it too. I have been going through my archive, trying to remember certain key steps and of course, reading stuff on the web but so far nothing has helped me in the way that I want.

**cue overly dramatic sigh**

I'm trying my best not to be negative, I really am. I'm about to embark on starting a new blog soon but I would like to have my design site up and fully functional and not just in pieces. I just feel like I don't have enough hours in the day right now but for right now, that's what I need. I don't want to have that much free time because then my mind tends to wander and focus on things it shouldn't. Having an assortment of things to do makes it harder for me to do that.

I bought a book on CSS and web design. I hope that helps me with the pitfalls I'm having and then I'll move on to PHP. I really want to do the freelance thing or perhaps work for a small, little design company - I have the creativity but to get it from my head to the page or web has proven challenging.

Nothing worth having comes easy, right? 

Anyone out there going through something similar? How do you get through it?

Assessing Your LIfe

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates

I think as humans we find it's easier to give advice than to take it (even if it's our own advice). Often times, the world is going by us so fast that it's often hard to take time to slow down and think. You only have 24 hours in a day and we spend 8 of them sleeping, 8 of them working and who knows really how we spend the remaining 8 most of the time.

I'll admit that I'm one of those people, it's hard for me to slow down; usually I operate between the realms of mania and hurried anxiety which of course leads me to eventually crash and burn and I don't leave my bed for a weekend but I digress...

The point I'm making is that we need to take that time sometimes, even if it bothers us, even if it goes against our nature and just figure out what the hell we are doing, is this path we are on working for us or were we led to believe that it would. If we "checked in" with ourselves as much as we checked in with our close family and friends, I think there would be more people in the world happy with their lives and their place in this world.

Or maybe, that's just my wishful thinking. Either way, I'm taking the time to change my path and pursue other things because what I was doing prior was not working for me, so far I'm nervous but I'm happier every day, so I have to be doing something right. 

Welcome Back to the Wednesday Rant!

I have been noticing lately that the older I get, the more my sensitivity is often piqued. It seems that even though I was slightly sensitive when I was younger (teens, young adult, etc); I often had I don't give a good damn aesthetic that I've come to see as a coping mechanism. Or maybe, I'm just too old to worry about putting up that "strong" front, something has hurt me and I want to feel that pain and not care who knows it.

This past weekend, I was hurt real bad. It was something derby related and it hurt me...alot. So much so, that I left the game right after it was over and went home. Now, I'm okay but it took me at least a day to shake the anger. 

Time Is On My Side (right?)

I have been scarce as of late. I’ve been swamped at the office, skating until I can’t move, teaching pole class, writing for the other site I belong too and other things.

I realize now that I need to schedule my day out. Right now, I write down specific events on specific days but I don’t really sit down and iron out a time for anything. I don’t “plan”. I just sort of work things in to the best of my ability, which I’ve come to realize equates to “not fully committing myself to every project AND not being realistic about timeframes.”

The Skating Push Over?

I believe my mind is quickly approaching burnout. I tend to do this to myself; multi-tasking multiple projects until my mind has no choice but to shut down, reducing me into a puddle of glop on the floor!

So today, I am said glop but I plan to keep it together to discuss something that I have a problem with.

I call it the struggle of the nice-itis.

Saturday, one lovely ARG skater decided to loan me her skates so I can practice on good derby skates for assessments; in her eyes my current skates are the “devil” and should be confiscated for use in hell only. Yes, they are that serious about skates; so I gladly put outdoors wheels on my crappy skates and now I use hers for my skating use.

So Saturday, there I was skating or attempting to skate on these new skates; what I didn’t expect was to relearn (albeit, quicker) this time how to skate around the rink. Another ARG member came up to me and decided to make it her M.O. to help me. It was nice of her, I’ll admit to that BUT her way of helping me wasn’t conducive to how I learn. In fact, I felt like I was going backwards in my skating progress instead of forward, not to mention she was making me nervous – which wrecks my skating that much more.

So, the brash part of me wanted to yell, “Step the HELL off!” Yet, the rational side of me kept that from escaping out of my mouth because she was on the ARG team and I’m sure they talk…A LOT about the “fresh meat”, so I don’t want to ruffle any feathers – so I grinned and bared it.

Yet, even that resolution bothered me. Being that I’m starting to wane myself off my aggressive tendencies, I’m trying to figure out how to implement assertive traits without my feeling guilty. Being that people can be sensitive especially when they feel they are trying to help, how do you broach the topic with someone without ruffling feathers?

How do I tell you to back the HELL up but do it nicely? I have a tendency of being too blunt and I don’t want to take that approach because not everyone is down with that.

If anyone has any insight, please share! I really need to figure this out because I don’t want to come off as a pushover but I don’t want to be viewed as the unknown, disruptive cannon either. 

The Movie In My Mind

I spent all of Sunday in bed, which I believe is one of my 101 Things to do in 1001 days, even though it was nice; it’s not something I could see myself doing a lot. I like to move around too much.

I did catch up on some good movies, though.

I guess I enjoy it because I can turn my mind off and coast. Today –I’m ashamed to admit this—I was in a love, romantic mood. For some, that may be a big deal but to the ones in the know, I’m sure they had a chuckle or two. I’m very romantic adverse—not a fan at all but I got sucked into watching old clips from General Hospital  (shh. I used to be a soap junkie, too).

Possible Mutterings of a New Blog?

I missed my usual Wednesday rant, which with how I was feeling yesterday – it would have been a very long post.

My car decided to temporarily bite the dust (at least, I hope it’s temporary) now anyone who knows how Atlanta is knows that not having a car is quite detrimental because everything is so spread out. So of course I cried for a little bit, okay, a lot – I’ll be honest. I sat and stared at my computer screen, a friend called me to discuss something and I had to get off the phone because I just wasn’t feeling it.

I hate car troubles, I really do. Not to even mention that July has been such an financial drain to make matters worse, my shiny, silver bullet of a car had to bite it.

So what am I doing? Well, today…nothing. I asked my brother if we could carpool until my car is fixed, he seems okay with it. I told my casino folks that might be late (I’m never late) to parties because I don’t have my own ride and I have to find ways to get around in advance. I plan on jumping my car tomorrow or Sunday and then dropping it off at the mechanic to have it worked on. I hope it’s nothing expensive but right now, I really have no idea.

And oddly enough, I’m fine with that. I’ve done all I can afford to do, right now. I plan on getting my car worked on next week because I DO need to have it but right now, I can’t do anything so I will not stress myself further.

I also have a finance buddy who I’ll be held accountable too. Every thing I spend, I have to keep the receipt and we will discuss it every Friday until my habit gets more in control. I actually might start another blog dedicated to my finances but I’m worried that keeping up with two blogs and guest blogging on another site might throw me off.

Anyone else deal with two or more blogs? How is it working for you? Am I crazy to embark on this caper or should I try to import some spending widgets into this blog? As you can see, I haven’t thought about this all the way through so I’m just throwing it out there right now.