Love. Self. Entirely.

Old Traits

I have been rummaging through my old posts to see what I have been posting for the past couple of years and I really don't think I have any words for it all. References to El African, my mother, my dad's family, my brother are all woven together and blown apart in my mind repeatedly.

In particular, there is this post about relationships and wanting to move on from my self destructive tendencies and struggling with being able to do so.  I guess, I didn't realize how far I've come since then. I was reading over that post (and the others) and I was like, "Wow. Is that really me?"  Realistically, I know that is was but with how my mind operates now, I just can't fathom it but - of course - have no choice since there is visual proof.

I still do struggle with my self destructive habits. Even though, nowhere near as I did before being that I'm quite content and happy with my life at the present moment. With the addition of my S.O. I usually walk around with my head in the clouds but even without her in the picture, I was quite happy.

I'm not sure if or when any of my triggers will be set off or if they are, I'm not sure how I'll react this go round. I know that this is the first time that I was okay with myself prior to getting into a relationship with someone so I'm not sure what is in store but I'm trying my best to keep those negative traits from my past in my past where they belong.

Sappy

I'm so frickin' sappy right now. Like, I don't recognize this person because I'm that type of sappy --Hallmark has nothing on me right now.

It's still a weird feeling to me because I wasn't raised around people who exhibited these types of emotions open and freely. Even though, it's all new to me I can't help but like it.

Granted, I do have moments of freaking out because I'm not used to being so open, yet the fear of being so open doesn't make me want to stop all that I'm feeling.

Ready to Make Moves

I've been waiting with baited breath for the past month. My house has been under contract but we still have to get it approved by both banks. Hopefully, I'll hear something by the early part of April and if everything goes okay, we will be closing on the house in the middle of May. Which means, that I will be homeless and being that I haven't been seriously looking for new digs - I'm not sure how all this is going to pan out.  I am just trying to think positively about all of this because I am really ready to get this over and done with.

Applying to schools, everywhere. What else is new? I just hope to get into a program that I love and will be able to move there to go to school since my house will be sold (I aim to be pro-active in my positivity) by then.

What else? I'm in a relationship and it's all so amazing. I wasn't looking for or expecting it but I'm severely smitten - which is new to me because it usually takes me a long while to feel this way. This time, it just feels different but we shall see.

One last thing, I am about to go on my first vacation of the year. I am going to Vegas (again) on Easter and staying for the week. I'm quite excited, I'm approaching burn out with all that I'm doing with my life and I'm ready for some sleep.

Here's to living life in 2010. Now, I just have to get this school thing under control and I'll be set.

Blasts from the Past

It's funny that within the span of 3 days, I have come in contact with three people from my past. 

The first one was this boy I had an absolute crush on when I was in middle school and again in high school (even though I was just playing the role of the 100% straight girl at the time). He was tall, thin, into musicals, kind and hilarious - he was perfect (in my eyes, anyway) even though at the time he seemed a little bit "off" not in a bad way but off nonetheless. 

"Selfish" Dating Single In Search Of....

So, I have been trying to step my foot into the puddle of Atlanta dating life and see what all is out there and I haven't been that impressed. Now, I am at the point of not wanting to be tied down to anyone here, mainly, because I'm hell bent on leaving this place come next year. I don't want to add any more stress or complication to that area because I already know moving is going to be stressful being torn about leaving or wanting someone to uproot their life is not on my list of things to do.

I'm feeling vulnerable today.

Right now.

This very second, I'm still quite vulnerable. The only difference is that I know this feeling will pass as quickly as it came.

So, since I'm doing my best to blog once a day. I will post about it here. I have this feeling of dread about next Friday, in regards to, the fact that I very well might see my ex. I know it's small on the grand scale of things and right now, it's still a big might but just the thought is enough to make me ill. You see, I subscribe to the notion of once you are in my "past" it's pretty damn well hard for me to ever allow you back in my space. It doesn't matter how brief or under what sense, it just doesn't happen (I'm like this with everyone not just ex's). I've contacted him once in order to get a paper faxed to me, I actually mailed him a letter, well I sent him the form and my fax number to send me the document that I needed. I followed up two weeks later with a text when I didn't receive anything leaving him my fax number again. That time, he texted me back saying he mailed it as of this writing I haven't received anything and I have not bothered to contact him again. I will have to deal with this on my own, I resolved.

Then I got my subpoena - I chopped it up to my traffic accident (which I hope that is what it's for because I don't know about anything else); so I figured there was another thing I'll have to handle on my own.

Then he texts me that he got one and wants to know if I received one and some other small talk bullshit. I didn't reply.

Yesterday, he called my phone and left a message for me to call him back when I had the time. I, at first, had to double check to make sure I was reading the number correctly because it didn't register at first. Then I just let it go to voice mail. 

I know why he's calling or at least my assumptions are probably very close if not exact and they all point to the court date next week.

Now I'm at this point where yes, I don't want to deal with him on any level and I know I carry around some unresolved anger (not a lot but I know it's there) that I really don't want to subject myself to any negativity - I don't want to feel bad about myself and he was a big source of that. The other part of me feels I should say something, what if he has some information that I don't have or some piece of the puzzle that I need to be let in on but with my not communicating I'm forcibly digging myself into a deeper hole? 

So, I go back and forth in my mind. I feel that I don't owe him an answer to anything but at the same time this involves me and I don't need to be screwed over again. I've had enough and I'm really, earnestly moving on so being sucked back into this (no matter how small) is really pissing me off. 

I'm not ready to communicate with him, this I do know. I just don't want it come back to bite me in the ass. 

On the plus side, I am thinking of starting a new blog (keeping this one), the new blog will be my side project that I hope to either make into a book or documentary, hell, maybe even both!

Black Folk & Their Dating Hypocrisy

Every time I have a conversation with a black male friend and I mention that I'm open to dating other races (across the sexes) and at first I'm applauded saying that is a good thing. Then what comes right after that, "As soon as you open yourself up, you're BLACK MAN will come into your life."

Excuse me? Did you hear what I just said? So, I decide to try something new and that means that as soon as I do that my ideal black man will come and sweep me off my feet.

Why is my ideal black and why are they male?

I'm tired of having people downplay things that I tell them OR gloss over them like I never mentioned it. I don't know whom I'll end up with (man, woman - I mean) I don't think about it. I just want someone that treats me well and has common sense, which you would think it would be easier to find since I have dated both men and women in my past but it's really not. 

I did subscribe to the notion that my ideal was a black person and my preference would be black but I have come to the conclusion that it might not happen for me and I'm cool with that. 

I just hate it when I'm open about something new and it's downplayed like I should be just "wait around" and my time will come eventually. Truthfully, if I was only into men I'd be upset especially black men because the state of black men these days leave little to be desired for me. That's a whole other post though, I'm not saying all black men are bad either just that the pickings are slim and I won't even go into black women in the South (the ones that like girls), they might be just as bad as the men here. Which is why I hardly ever date, I like to keep my sanity!

Dogfight - A "Love" Story

No, I'm not talking about animals or fighter planes. 

I am not exactly sure why I’ve stumbled back across this movie but I instantly remembered why I love this movie so much.

Dogfight. A love story that takes place during the Vietnam era in San Francisco starring the late River Phoenix and Lili Taylor (my boo). I won’t go into detail about the flick but I do believe everyone should see it at least once. The message stands as much now as it did back in 1991 (when it was filmed) as well as the time frame during which the movie itself takes place; it’s that good.

Anyone knows me, knows I’m not big on love stories or romantic pictures. Not because I’m currently single – I’ve always been like this – coupled or not, I just don’t tend to care too much about contrived, by the book romance stories. 

For the longest, my idea of romance was Casablanca now I will consider some other movies in there but only when I’m feeling particularly angsty. Still, Dogfight I can watch during any of my moods and I’d still love it just the same.

The feeling of youth; finding love where you never expected to find it and enjoying it in the present moment while at the same time your world is changing. To be able to capture it the way the director did was pretty amazing. What appeals to me is the reality of all of it. It’s not as contrived as most romance pictures, the girl isn’t helpless – even though she is naïve – the man doesn’t have to save her – he needs some guidance himself. The “love” scenes are sweet and innocent and your heart (in turn) goes out to each of the characters.

Two worlds colliding and breaking away from each other a little different than they were before but still set to go onwards in the paths that they have created. There are no miracle answers or cures, just real life that shows actions and consequences. It’s beautiful and even though it’s sad that this movie didn’t get a lot of recognition, part of me is kind of glad it’s not that well known. It’s a hidden gem proving that two people can come together despite differences, learn from each other and still be their own person.

It’s (to me) the realism of love not the fluffy pink contrived stuff of Hallmark cards or sappy movies! It’s about the newness, the awkwardness not to mention that the soundtrack is amazing but I’m a hippie music junkie. 

 

 

 

 

Coming Full Circle

Almost a week ago today, the end of a huge chapter in my life happened. This chapter, has been circling around me for the past 4 years in various stages of importance. Granted, I think it was more important than not towards the end, it was met with mostly indifference.

Yes, I'm referring to a relationship. In every aspect of the word. Looking back on it, it's hard for me to believe I was there for that long OR how understanding I was. Am I truly that compassionate or was I fooling myself? I think a little of both, even though I'm very caring to the ones I love.

Wild Vs. Tamed

“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them."

”Some days I wonder if I’m truly the “single” type. Not in the woe-is-me-can’t-find-anyone-will-die-a-spinster type but that I really enjoy the solitude of being alone.

Do I get lonely, sure. Do I want company, sometimes but I also don’t want to be smothered by another person; I don’t want to see or talk to you everyday – I’ve been like this since the beginning of time – and various other things that I realize I would have to shuck if I were to be in a long term relationship.

If I’m honest with myself, I do like being part of a couple but at the same time; I love having space. Finding someone who understands that (male or female) isn’t as easy as it would seem.

I joined a dating site a few months ago – thankfully, I purchased it on a steep, steep discount because I haven’t really utilized it as well as I should. The people that have approached me on it haven’t really piqued my interest or weren’t that attractive (I wouldn’t consider myself vain but looks are important). Some days I wonder if I’m too picky: I don’t think I am but who am I to say maybe that’s something someone else should answer.  I do know that I’m not ready to be involved in this particular dating site – they seem to be on the “marriage” tip and that’s not my forte at the moment.

The truth is: I don’t know what my complete forte is but I do know that being shackled to someone till “death or divorce” do us part is not my idea of a good time…right now.

I have realized that I need to find stability within myself – which I have down to a certain degree. I want to go outside my comfort zone more, which I am but there is still ‘something’ missing. Has anyone else felt like this and how did you find it? I know that I don’t want to be on this search for the missing ‘IT’ for the rest of my life but I feel more centered than I did before.

I plan to stick out the rest of my time with this online dating service maybe my feelings will change; I might try another one that seems to have more types of options – who knows?