Love. Self. Entirely.

I have realized...

...that I'm way too hard on myself. I'm hard on myself and I allow it to cripple me at times. Case in point, yesterday during the tornado/monsoon weather that we were experiencing in Georgia, I was curled up in the SO's bed, discussing schools and what not both of us enjoying the time that we had together. Now, call me private (which is irony being that I blog) but I find it hard to talk about my future school ideas with anyone outside my besties. Being that, I'm used to people analyzing and breaking down every little thing that I do; the besties get a pass because we've been through the war together and I know them.

I don't know the SO in that way...yet. She is as driven as me, that is for sure and she keeps me motivated to succeed in so many ways. I guess part of me is thinking about the big picture, in that, should I let my walls down enough when I would like to think we should be together for awhile but with how we want to conduct our educational goals; I'm not sure how feasible it all is.

Another thing about me: I think A LOT.

Suffice it to say, I ended up a slight emotional wreck. Now, when that happens I typically shut down and can't communicate not because I don't want to but I don't know how. Also, I'm not too keen on talking about emotional things when you are emotional; I rather wait until the storm has passed and I can look outside my situation which can happen in a matter or hours or days depending on the particular circumstance. 

I'm still on the fence about Parsons MOSTLY due to the financial aid aspect. I have to wait to see how much I'm going to get. The scholarship will cover housing but it is NYC and I'm going to need more than that in order to survive and work is really not an option. I'm also waiting on GSU, I ordered new books for the GRE (and maybe one for the LSATs) because I'm just about to go all in...with everything.

I found out yesterday that I'm too old for the Rhodes Scholarship, which I'm not saying I planned on applying for but I think the realization of it all finally set in that I really don't have that much time. I know of people older than me who are in different stages of their academic career but I'm not going off of them but off of where I want to be. The fact is that I'm tired and I've been tired for awhile now and I'm ready to move forward.

Hence, my being hard on myself and sending myself into the welcoming arms of a nervous breakdown. I need to curtail that part of my personality, I just know I will be in the academic hustle for the next few years and part of me wishes I planned differently but I didn't.

Life got in the way and I had to take care of some things but now that I finally got a grip (and in some cases discarded), I can focus more on school now, which is both an awesome and nerve-wracking thing but I remind myself now that this is all up to me. There is no one else left in standing in my way this time.

Ready to Make Moves

I've been waiting with baited breath for the past month. My house has been under contract but we still have to get it approved by both banks. Hopefully, I'll hear something by the early part of April and if everything goes okay, we will be closing on the house in the middle of May. Which means, that I will be homeless and being that I haven't been seriously looking for new digs - I'm not sure how all this is going to pan out.  I am just trying to think positively about all of this because I am really ready to get this over and done with.

Applying to schools, everywhere. What else is new? I just hope to get into a program that I love and will be able to move there to go to school since my house will be sold (I aim to be pro-active in my positivity) by then.

What else? I'm in a relationship and it's all so amazing. I wasn't looking for or expecting it but I'm severely smitten - which is new to me because it usually takes me a long while to feel this way. This time, it just feels different but we shall see.

One last thing, I am about to go on my first vacation of the year. I am going to Vegas (again) on Easter and staying for the week. I'm quite excited, I'm approaching burn out with all that I'm doing with my life and I'm ready for some sleep.

Here's to living life in 2010. Now, I just have to get this school thing under control and I'll be set.

Taking a Look Back

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday and I remembered that March 2nd was an anniversary of mine. Not the typical - oh, I love you let us remember this fondly - type of memory, it is more along the I have no idea how I got to this point and I want to drive off and never to talk to anyone kind of memory.

 

A year ago, the ex and I finally cut our official ties. Granted, it did peter out for the duration of the year (to my chagrin) but it happened then…ironically, on his birthday. Which is why I probably won’t forget it. It was the day after my first roller derby bout ever, I let him use my rental car (the one I had to get after getting my car totaled taking him to work by a hit and run driver) so he could go see one of his closest friends for their birthday party and I was on cloud nine. We hooked back up later on in the night, he slept over my house and for some reason something didn’t seem quite right. Problem was, he had been flirtingly texting with the woman that his family wanted him to be with…in my house…right in front of me at times.

 

So, I summoned up the courage to ask him then and there if he loved me or not, he not knowing where the question is coming from and of course, I’ll never forget the answer as he sleepily answered that he loved and cared for me but that he wasn’t in love with me and that he couldn’t allow himself to be.

 

It hurt like hell and I remember crying myself to sleep with him right next to me, waking up enough to send a frantic email to my aforementioned friend and curl back into my ball. He left soon after that, it seemed easy for him – to leave me in a broken mess – massively in debt with no real car but I digress it’s not about that at the moment. This was the first time I was broken, right down to the core of my being and that shit sucked. It took me awhile to put myself back together; thankfully, I put myself back together with the help of some awesome girlfriends and even though I still have a few seeds of resentment that blossom every now and then, I can now look back on the person I once was and appreciate the person I am now.

 

I focus more on the positive; I can actually focus on myself and not the other person. I have lost 15 pounds; I’m more pro-active about selling my house. I have some new developments in my personal/romantic life and I’m going to Vegas and staying at a nice hotel in early April and I just look at my life and even though I have my bad days I am thankful to God and I’m also truly happy. It’s been awhile.

Trying to Keep Positive

Last week, I posted about trying indoor rock climbing at Atlanta Rocks! It was fun, I actually did better than I expected, I was the only one in my group who could climb to the top of one of the harder walls. I don't know HOW I did it because prior to the climbing I had to do one of the hardest 2 hour derby practices of my life (I was being assessed for the upcoming year) and I was already feeling weak. I found the strength to keep on, keeping on but the last wall, I got to over half way and I had to call it a day. Two hours of hardcore skating combined with two hours of rock climbing, I think I did pretty damn good.

At least, I succeeded at the rock climbing. I didn't pass my assessment, I really think some of it was on some bullshit but even though I felt like quitting then and there because I really did give it my all. I know deep down that I'm not a quitter - it stems from my family always putting me down - I can't ever let anyone know that they've gotten me and see me sweat. SO, I'm taking a mental derby vacation and I'm going to do other workouts and get myself back into sparring shape. I gained some weight last year and now I'm slowly starting to lose it. I just have to keep up with the good work. I have until April, I think I can do it by then.

This week, I plan to do Bikram Hot Yoga in Decatur. I bought a 5 class card and there is also a $30 ten day consecutive class offer for newbies, so I plan to do that.

Life is Amazing

I am here. Just been working a lot and applying to graduate programs and trying to get this house sold.

I've decided to embark on something different this year. I plan to challenge myself on anything that is safe, affordable and suits my fancy. One new thing a week, I'm not going to think about it. I'm just going to do it. It can be something life changing or mundane the only requirement is that it is something I've never done but I'm interested in trying.

First up, indoor rock climbing. My upper body strength sucks and I have a slight fear of heights but I'm ready to give it a whirl. 

I hope everyone else out there (who reads this) is having a glorious January. I know that mine is off to a pretty decent start.

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I plan to work out, stay put and work until I have to go out with my father and step-mother. Today, I want to express my thanks for the things I'm happy about in my life.

• I have peace of mind.
• I traveled more this year than I have in a long time and next year, I'll do even more.
• I decided to go back to school, seriously. I have applied to schools in the past and have been accepted but I never follow through...not this time.
• I decided that I will be moving overseas next year and I'm excited about that.
• I found a roommate until February to help with expenses.
• My car maintenance is pretty okay.
• I have gotten closer with my best friend in Atlanta.
• I'm thankful that my brother and I are still extremely close even though we don't live together anymore.
• I'm thankful that I'm challenging my ideas of design and I'm starting to be creative.
• I'm happy that the people in my life, I chose them and they chose me and we bring stability and reliability to our lives.
• I'm thankful to still have a job with a boss that I love in this economy.
• I'm happy to stumbled upon a lot of interesting blogs that give me hope, a sense of clarity or the much needed laugh because I really need it sometimes.
• I'm just thankful to be healthy and for the most part happy.
• I'm thankful that my dad is doing well with his kidney transplant and that both my brother and I are taking better care of ourselves health wise.

I hope everyones Thanksgiving is a blessing OR if it isn't that you have plenty of booze to get you through it!

Blasts from the Past

It's funny that within the span of 3 days, I have come in contact with three people from my past. 

The first one was this boy I had an absolute crush on when I was in middle school and again in high school (even though I was just playing the role of the 100% straight girl at the time). He was tall, thin, into musicals, kind and hilarious - he was perfect (in my eyes, anyway) even though at the time he seemed a little bit "off" not in a bad way but off nonetheless. 

Guilt & The Single

For the past couple of months, I have been knee deep in an assortment of things. Trying to sell my house, working out, doing school work, getting stuff together to apply to programs and just trying to enjoy my life. 

Lately, I have been scrounging the internets finding various blogs on expatriate life and reading about various places. Places that I plan to see next year, which makes me quite happy. The fear that has so often blocked me is still present but I'm no longer letting myself listen to it. I'm just going to go for it and come what may but either way, I plan to enjoy and live this life. 

The Danger of the Single Story

 
I got this clip off of chookooloonks blog yesterday and I wanted to share this with you. Not only is Chimamanda Adichie beautiful but you can see and feel her aura during her speech about the single story. I wish I could share this with people in my life (both new and old) because even though it can be hard, I wish more people took the insight that there is more to one person, one group of people, one country than one type of story.

Like she states in her speech that stereotypes are not necessarily untrue but it's just a single story, therefore it blinds us if we don't ever go outside ourselves (our way of thinking) to see what else is out there. 

This speech struck home with me, mainly because as an American, black female I often feel that I have to "prove" myself to defend that I'm not a "single story" that my story is one of many but it's my own and no one else can claim that but me. I also try my best to see everyone not in groups but as individuals each bringing their own stories mixed with their own trials and tribulations that make them all unique. Authentic to themselves - I hope - stories that are bold and muted, stable and disjointed but each a story that shapes the person into the person that they are, which to me is beautiful (even if I don't understand everything about them). 

I will have to look into reading some of her books.

Cleaning Out My LIfe

LAWD!

I have so much crap around me that I don't need! My boss remarked to me this morning (referring to the office) that he can tell I don't keep a "clean house". I was slightly offended because I do - in fact - keep a clean house (right now it looks like shit, I digress) but my office is not my house and he dirties stuff up too! 

Well, right now I'm looking around my office surroundings and it is quite dirty. Papers everywhere, empty water bottles and tons and I mean TONS of post it notes (I'm obsessed). I need an organization U-haul, for real.