Love. Self. Entirely.

More Changes are Happening

I almost don’t want to say this because I don’t want to jinx things but I’m so happy with my life right now

 

I’m still hoping that my condo will sell. Keep your fingers crossed for me because I am ready to leave this place. My realtor told me that it looks like it’ll happen towards the end of May. So, I’m going to do my best to stay positive until I hear otherwise.

 

Taking a Look Back

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday and I remembered that March 2nd was an anniversary of mine. Not the typical - oh, I love you let us remember this fondly - type of memory, it is more along the I have no idea how I got to this point and I want to drive off and never to talk to anyone kind of memory.

 

A year ago, the ex and I finally cut our official ties. Granted, it did peter out for the duration of the year (to my chagrin) but it happened then…ironically, on his birthday. Which is why I probably won’t forget it. It was the day after my first roller derby bout ever, I let him use my rental car (the one I had to get after getting my car totaled taking him to work by a hit and run driver) so he could go see one of his closest friends for their birthday party and I was on cloud nine. We hooked back up later on in the night, he slept over my house and for some reason something didn’t seem quite right. Problem was, he had been flirtingly texting with the woman that his family wanted him to be with…in my house…right in front of me at times.

 

So, I summoned up the courage to ask him then and there if he loved me or not, he not knowing where the question is coming from and of course, I’ll never forget the answer as he sleepily answered that he loved and cared for me but that he wasn’t in love with me and that he couldn’t allow himself to be.

 

It hurt like hell and I remember crying myself to sleep with him right next to me, waking up enough to send a frantic email to my aforementioned friend and curl back into my ball. He left soon after that, it seemed easy for him – to leave me in a broken mess – massively in debt with no real car but I digress it’s not about that at the moment. This was the first time I was broken, right down to the core of my being and that shit sucked. It took me awhile to put myself back together; thankfully, I put myself back together with the help of some awesome girlfriends and even though I still have a few seeds of resentment that blossom every now and then, I can now look back on the person I once was and appreciate the person I am now.

 

I focus more on the positive; I can actually focus on myself and not the other person. I have lost 15 pounds; I’m more pro-active about selling my house. I have some new developments in my personal/romantic life and I’m going to Vegas and staying at a nice hotel in early April and I just look at my life and even though I have my bad days I am thankful to God and I’m also truly happy. It’s been awhile.

Life is Amazing

I am here. Just been working a lot and applying to graduate programs and trying to get this house sold.

I've decided to embark on something different this year. I plan to challenge myself on anything that is safe, affordable and suits my fancy. One new thing a week, I'm not going to think about it. I'm just going to do it. It can be something life changing or mundane the only requirement is that it is something I've never done but I'm interested in trying.

First up, indoor rock climbing. My upper body strength sucks and I have a slight fear of heights but I'm ready to give it a whirl. 

I hope everyone else out there (who reads this) is having a glorious January. I know that mine is off to a pretty decent start.

Curbing My Disillusionment

"The longer you stay in one place, the greater your chance of disillusionment."

I received this as my Quote of the Day and it hit the nail right on the head. Even though lately I have been quite content and still moving myself towards leaving Atlanta (even though it is going quiet SLOWLY), it's nice to see some type of reinforcement especially when you are heading towards uncharted waters.

My two classes will be over next week, so I can focus on my side projects fully again. I'm quite excited and I have so many ideas that I can't wait to execute. Next week, I will also find out what team I'll be skating on next year so we shall see how that pans out; I'm not that excited about it but there is nothing I can do about it so I just have to move forward. 

Right now, I'm thankful. I have to buy some more dental insurance and I'm going to take care of my teeth. I have a lot of work I need to do and I'm going to just do it. No more excuses, I'm going to take care of me - wish me luck for I hate dealing with the dentist!

Next year will be a healthier me, the next part will be moving this condo but it'll get done. I know it will I just have to figure out how to go about it. Here's to 2010 (yes, I know I'm a tad bit early)!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Creatively Dreaming Part Deux

I'm looking back at some of my old entries of not having my dreams accepted by my family and doing what they wanted because I wanted to feel accepted even though it wasn't the real me that was being taken in.

One entry particular reached back at me especially in regards to black families and how some believe in raising their children. I do believe my family was on the extreme end of it but I also know that you can only do what you are taught unless you are strong enough to break outside of that. And the truth is, that not many people are willing to do the legwork to do that.

I think that I have done some things that are ingrained in my DNA but I can look back and reflect and know not to do it again. It might take me awhile to get there but I do, eventually. 

The person I was when I was writing that blog no longer exists. I'm not saying that I'm leaps and bounds ahead of that person but where I am now is not a bad place to be. I'm still chained to this house but I won't let myself be stuck here for another year. I am creating again, I have business cards, the website space has been reserved and I'm challenging my ideas of design and creating quirky things that showcase my personality. I'm teaching myself programming (slowly), I'm boning up on my French skills.  I started to travel more and I'm excited about traveling more during this upcoming year (some trips will be alone this time). I'm ready to go back to school (seriously) and I'm ready to leave the US for a chance to push the idea of what I know and deem to be true that much further.

I don't want nor do I need my family around to validate my dreams. I don't desire it anymore. I know that now. I have cut ties to the damaged parts and I'm moving forward from here on out and I don't want to apologize for it. 

Ode to Dance - Part Deux

My body right now is quite sore. On Saturday, I decided to make my "trifecta" workout a weekly staple. My trifecta is made up of 12 minutes of plyometric type exercises (either focusing on the upper, lower body or core), 2 hours of derby skate practice and 1.5 hours of modern - back to back. 

This is my second week and I definitely feel it but I'm proud of myself for making it. Next week, I won't be able to do it because I have a photography session to handle after derby practice but I'll pick right back up with the week after.

I have finally succumbed to my love of modern dance. I, at times, felt that I was past the age to pursue any type of dance structure (not talking professionally) but I've been reading about some dancers who started late and even though my goal is to perform something one day - nothing huge - it's nice to hear that I may have the option.

Right now though, I'm trying my best to find my balance. UGH, balancing on skates and balancing while you are in releve with a leg in the air are totally two different things. I feel like such a fish out of water but I remember how I was when I first started to skate (I could barely stand) OR when I took up dancing in high school (I couldn't go across the floor without tripping), there is a learning curve in everything new that you do. It doesn't stop it from annoying the hell out of you, though!

Are my feet ever going to look cute again? 

"Selfish" Dating Single In Search Of....

So, I have been trying to step my foot into the puddle of Atlanta dating life and see what all is out there and I haven't been that impressed. Now, I am at the point of not wanting to be tied down to anyone here, mainly, because I'm hell bent on leaving this place come next year. I don't want to add any more stress or complication to that area because I already know moving is going to be stressful being torn about leaving or wanting someone to uproot their life is not on my list of things to do.

Guilt & The Single

For the past couple of months, I have been knee deep in an assortment of things. Trying to sell my house, working out, doing school work, getting stuff together to apply to programs and just trying to enjoy my life. 

Lately, I have been scrounging the internets finding various blogs on expatriate life and reading about various places. Places that I plan to see next year, which makes me quite happy. The fear that has so often blocked me is still present but I'm no longer letting myself listen to it. I'm just going to go for it and come what may but either way, I plan to enjoy and live this life. 

So...I tried Modern Dance on Saturday.

I think I actually had a some type of death wish. I woke up to do 12 minutes of MaxFit, then I went to derby practice and skated for two hours and then I followed it with an 1.5 hour modern dance class. I couldn't stand by the end of it and wanted nothing more but to sleep but did I? Nope.

Well, the modern dance teacher was a substitute and she kicked my ass. I haven't taken an official dance class in years and I only dabbled in modern but this really kicked my butt and it was fun. I definitely will  be going back and I really enjoyed the teacher even though she was tough but I've always enjoyed being forced to push myself. She kept telling us that in order to get better, you have to learn to challenge yourself and let yourself go. If we never challenged our bodies, we would never know what they are capable of. 

We danced to Maxwell's "Pretty Wings" and I felt like a fish out of water but that didn't stop me and little by little, I started to lose my inhibitions and let the music take over. I'm not saying it looked particularly pretty but I was in the moment - feeling the music and trying my best to have my body catch up with what was going on in my head. Reaching for something, challenging myself even if I wasn't quite sure with what I was doing; I did my best to keep on reaching.

I miss dancing, I miss challenging myself and my feelings and being exposed which is why I love the arts so much. I can channel all my feelings into other arena's instead of constantly verbalizing it. I can heal myself through art or creative expression instead of letting things stay bottled up inside me causing me more harm than good. I miss feeling free and limitless and walking into a room for an hour or so where I can leave my problems at the door and just let my body be my guide, I just miss it all.

I'll have to work at it to get back to where I once was, if I can at this point but I'm going to try my hardest or at least try, anyway.

Assessing Your LIfe

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates

I think as humans we find it's easier to give advice than to take it (even if it's our own advice). Often times, the world is going by us so fast that it's often hard to take time to slow down and think. You only have 24 hours in a day and we spend 8 of them sleeping, 8 of them working and who knows really how we spend the remaining 8 most of the time.

I'll admit that I'm one of those people, it's hard for me to slow down; usually I operate between the realms of mania and hurried anxiety which of course leads me to eventually crash and burn and I don't leave my bed for a weekend but I digress...

The point I'm making is that we need to take that time sometimes, even if it bothers us, even if it goes against our nature and just figure out what the hell we are doing, is this path we are on working for us or were we led to believe that it would. If we "checked in" with ourselves as much as we checked in with our close family and friends, I think there would be more people in the world happy with their lives and their place in this world.

Or maybe, that's just my wishful thinking. Either way, I'm taking the time to change my path and pursue other things because what I was doing prior was not working for me, so far I'm nervous but I'm happier every day, so I have to be doing something right.