Love. Self. Entirely.

Trying to Keep Positive

Last week, I posted about trying indoor rock climbing at Atlanta Rocks! It was fun, I actually did better than I expected, I was the only one in my group who could climb to the top of one of the harder walls. I don't know HOW I did it because prior to the climbing I had to do one of the hardest 2 hour derby practices of my life (I was being assessed for the upcoming year) and I was already feeling weak. I found the strength to keep on, keeping on but the last wall, I got to over half way and I had to call it a day. Two hours of hardcore skating combined with two hours of rock climbing, I think I did pretty damn good.

At least, I succeeded at the rock climbing. I didn't pass my assessment, I really think some of it was on some bullshit but even though I felt like quitting then and there because I really did give it my all. I know deep down that I'm not a quitter - it stems from my family always putting me down - I can't ever let anyone know that they've gotten me and see me sweat. SO, I'm taking a mental derby vacation and I'm going to do other workouts and get myself back into sparring shape. I gained some weight last year and now I'm slowly starting to lose it. I just have to keep up with the good work. I have until April, I think I can do it by then.

This week, I plan to do Bikram Hot Yoga in Decatur. I bought a 5 class card and there is also a $30 ten day consecutive class offer for newbies, so I plan to do that.

My Weekly To - Do

I'm going to take Shannon's Advice on starting a weekly to-do list. I need to get my procrastination under control. I have all these mini projects in various stages and I need to get something completed. Granted, this is a huge part of my DNA - I am the person who will juggle many thing simultaneously and only have one completed. 

With my going away for the greater portion of this week, I aim to resolve a good portion of this list. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

1. Write my SOP's for the graduate programs. 
2. Send the paperwork to all the people who are writing my recommendations. 
3. Put the main page up for my website.
4. Write down the concept for my next blog/project.
5. Knit two scarves for the Shepherd Spinal Center Family Project.
6. Clean my room before I leave to go home.
7. Finish all my holiday card designs.
8. Start typing up my screenplay.
9. Out of the 4 books that I bought last week, my goal is to finish 1 - if I can get two done, all the better.
10. Start looking at the workshop schedule from last years Sex 2.0 (quite excited about this) and begin organizing it for next year. 
11. Go to a crafts store, I need to stock up on supplies. I'm making gifts this year.
12. Fold my clothes. I hate folding clothes.
13. Call USAA about my wooden floor in the hallways. I'm hoping my house insurance covers it and I don't have to come out of pocket.
14. Look for a washer and dryer. 
15. Try to attend a dance class before I go back home.
16. Get my coat and boots out of storage.
17. Talk to storage facility about switching into a smaller storage unit.
18. Plan out visits with friends. Right now, I'm ALL over the place.
19. Build an arsenal of blog posts. I don't want to have to write for this blog until next Tuesday - if I can help it.
20. Write down advertising concepts.

Okay, this is just a small list. Let's see how many I can get done. 

Procrastination

I think my body is at the point of needing a break. It also doesn't help that I still have remnants of my Nyquil induced haze from last night. So, this post will be short but not necessarily sweet. 

I have so many thoughts but none that are linear. Does that make sense?

I have all these ideas but right now they aren't cohesive so I find it hard to make sense of it. Granted, I haven't sat down and fleshed everything out for some reason I'm procrastinating on that front.

Oh,that dreaded word. I need help, how do you all cope with procrastination - if you even suffer from it? I plan on not letting it get in my way this time as I have for the past few years but dammit, if I can't say that old habits die hard.

Battling the Alone Factor

All weekend, I have been battling the same basic emotion. Being alone. I've been rationalizing out in my mind, trying to make sense of it because it's been at the back of mind haunting me lately. My sleep patterns are all off, I can't be bothered to exercise and I was actually happy to be sick a good portion of this week because it would force me to sit in my loneliness and finally deal with it.

So I did.

And what I realized that my own thoughts, my own personal thoughts are damaged but at least I'm the only one that can see the truth well enough to sort them out. So, even though I will admit being surrounded by nothing but my own thoughts has unnerved the shit out of me; I actually haven't taken that much initiative to get me out of this situation. Soon, old thoughts came back to me about how I liked to be left alone and how much I enjoyed reading and listening to music like I used too. Without escaping from the daily strain of my personal life of how much I owed or how I felt like I was second to the person that I loved most. 

I will admit it hurts like hell and I rather not but I think to the future of being complete within myself and free - finally. Even though it hurts and I'm scared and some days all I can do is stare at my screen and dream, I will go through it alone this time. I ask for help when needed (which is huge for me) and then I go off and do what I need to do. I stumble, I fall backwards and some days I don't move an inch but on the days I can feel myself stronger than where I was once before - even if it's just a tiny blip on the radar of self fulfillment - then I know what I'm doing - this self imposed exile is really worth while.

If anything, I'm reading a lot of books right now. I have read 3 out of the 4 Twilight saga novels in 2 days, discovered a lot more blogs, went out to eat alone and realize that I need to design a newsletter layout before Wednesday (my second paid gig!), baby steps, baby steps...

Cleaning Out My LIfe

LAWD!

I have so much crap around me that I don't need! My boss remarked to me this morning (referring to the office) that he can tell I don't keep a "clean house". I was slightly offended because I do - in fact - keep a clean house (right now it looks like shit, I digress) but my office is not my house and he dirties stuff up too! 

Well, right now I'm looking around my office surroundings and it is quite dirty. Papers everywhere, empty water bottles and tons and I mean TONS of post it notes (I'm obsessed). I need an organization U-haul, for real.

Persistence Is Key, My Dear.

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins - not through strength, but through persistence."

Buddha

 

Persistence thy name is Cynthia. If there were one word that describes my character to the “T” – well, er “C” that would be persistent. I have been called that since I can remember and up until recently, I never gave it another thought – I thought it was another deviant trait of my personality.

Until I realized that my persistence has shaped me into the person I am today and the one I aim on becoming.  Sure, having things done to you or for you shapes the way you view the world – it has for me, anyway. Yet, I can’t help but realize that every significant change (minus my mothers passing) that has come across me is due to my going for the gold even if I fall on my proverbial butt.

Time Is On My Side (right?)

I have been scarce as of late. I’ve been swamped at the office, skating until I can’t move, teaching pole class, writing for the other site I belong too and other things.

I realize now that I need to schedule my day out. Right now, I write down specific events on specific days but I don’t really sit down and iron out a time for anything. I don’t “plan”. I just sort of work things in to the best of my ability, which I’ve come to realize equates to “not fully committing myself to every project AND not being realistic about timeframes.”

Updating My 101 List!

I’m back from vacation, jonesin’ for Charleston. I LOVE it, it’s so beautiful and you can walk everywhere – which is a definite plus for me not to mention people were on bikes constantly! I’ll have to rent one next time I’m there.

Anyway, being that I took a mini break from blogging last week, I am back now with full force. First, I want to catch everyone up on my 101 Things List, I – of course – still have a lot to do but I knocked a few on my mini Charleston vacation.

 #1. Travel out of state by myself.

Not only did I have to travel out of Georgia, which is long but into S. Carolina. I forgot how much I loved driving by myself during extended distances and I learned how to use cruise control worked wonders for my right foot, I tell you. 

#6. Go to the beach.

Finally! We ended up going to Folly Beach, which was about 15 minutes away from where we were staying in historic Charleston. The day was overcast but the weather was nice and I even made a little sand igloo with a carport or at least, I think that’s what it ended up being. I, of course got sand everywhere and had to make sure my naval piercing didn’t get expose to that too much. 

#9. Guest blog on a site that differs from mine. Not only am I trial blogging at HerProBlog.com (my topic is niche blogging); I also guest posted on Eathan’s site “I Date White” about my love of interracial dating (yes, I’m a member). Two different arenas and neither of them really coexist with my blog but hey, I am enjoying the difference in topics.

#69. Volunteer for a worthy cause.

Girls on Track is underway, early next month I’ll start my training. I’m getting more and more excited as the weeks go by!

#72. Wear a bikini in public.

I forgot this was on my 101 lists; so not only do I cross this off but also I am joining up with both Jen and Suzanne and the countless other female bloggers who bared it all bikini style! I am not as nervous as I thought I would be but it does feel quite liberating and if you lean in really close you might be able to see my little belly jewel! This also marks the first time I wore this bikini and I’ve had it for about 2 years now. I hope others will join the brigade, we have to stop the negative feelings that we throw at our bodies (I know, I still battle this everyday).J

I also documented a whole day in pictures (#35 on the list) but I haven’t ordered them yet, so stay tuned for that!

Back On My Finance Angst Train...

If there are any guys that read this blog, forgive me for this admission but my PMS has been off the chain this cycle! It’s not fun at all, I’m overly anxious, coupled with having to set the boundary (that person and I haven’t spoke since Tuesday, I initiated contact and it was brief) and looking at my finances, things just have me up in a tizzy.

So, I consulted a budgeting service yesterday. I had a broad look over my financial state and what I need to do. What I should clarify is that I’m balancing everything okay, everything gets paid but I’m not moving forward quick enough, in my opinion. I have a bank loan and some credit card debt that I want to be free from. Granted, right now I’m not acquiring anymore, which is good. I have some savings, that will acquirable at the end of July, which will help, but outside of that, I have my casino hustle and the rest will come from my new budget.

I’m just glad that I’m getting a hold of this now. Right now, I wish I didn’t have this huge bank loan but I do and I have to get rid of it. So, I’m buckling down. I’m making a financial goal and I’m moving forward at full speed.

I will be turning 26 in the middle of July and I know that I will enter that year with a plan of being more financially secured than I am this year. I am stating that now and I am owning it.

I will not be like most women in my family. Even if I have to find another job to do during the week. My debt won’t control me like it has my family.

Anyway, I’m giving myself a year to rectify this situation. J

After allowing myself to have a mini-meltdown –I didn’t indulge in emotional eating, instead I went running and pole dancing—I came home, worked on some design and crashed in my bed.

Part of my issue stems from this timeline that I have given myself. That at 25, I should be here but I’m not or at least, I don’t feel like I am. Maybe my focus isn’t right because I don’t feel like I’m a failure, I’m just not as successful as I’d like to be. So that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

My fear is of floundering, from job to job and I know that could potentially happen if I don’t get my ducks in their row. 

Another fear is that I’m not living this life to the best of my ability. One never knows when their time is up and I just want to live my life fully, no regrets and with nothing holding me back.

Am I making any sense? 

Update on 101 Things & Maybe A New List Addition?

I have to be honest but I have been sucking at working at my 101 Things, thankfully we do have 1001 days but that shouldn’t mean more time for slacking!

Well yesterday, I got my assignment for Girls on the Run! I’m excited because I will actually be involved with the Girls on Track—they cater to middle school girls, which is more of what I want to work with. I remember that my esteem issues didn’t really “blossom” until the middle school era even though it didn’t start there, of course. Not only that but I’ll be the Head Coach for these group of girls, so it will definitely be a learning experience for both me and them. I am quite excited, though! First, because it’s definitely a worthy cause that I believe in, which—HEY, knocks something of the 101 Things list—but I can hopefully help one girl (if more, that’ll be cool) see herself in a different light. I want to give someone the courage and insight that I never received NOT because it didn’t exist but because the people who I grew up around didn’t know how to go about giving it.

Also, I don’t remember how I got to the page but I ended up stumbling onto the Atlanta Roller Girls page—they are having tryouts in September! I haven’t skated seriously for quite some time but my interest was piqued so now I plan to do some training to see how I’d fair as a roller girl prior to the tryouts. I have a few months to train but there is a lot I need to learn between now and then. I need to get my hands on some quads (4 wheeled skates) and get my self into gear. If anything, it’s something new to do for exercise and it is something that until yesterday, I wasn’t sure that I would fit into it. I even came up with a name (I’m still thinking of ones, this one came to me instantly, though): Meanie Riphertons (a play on Minnie Ripherton, yes I know; I’m a dork!).

I’m excited none the less. I just need to get myself back on some skates!

A friend of mine is planning on going away for my birthday, so I’m happy about that. I need to get away from metro Atlanta but stay mindful of my budget. I will have to pay for some parking tickets, I know so I have no choice but to keep myself east coast. My lovely friend did mention that she would be willing to pay for more than 50% of the cost because we are going for my birthday! I swear, she is probably the best friend that I ever had. I’m so thankful that she is in my life—she’s more financially stable than I am, so she’s empathetic. I’m not sure if I’ll take her up on the gesture but just the fact that she put it out there once again reinforced how wonderful it is to have her so close to me in life.

So what’s next on the 101 Things? I want to get my palm read soon; there is a place that does it in Little Five Points. I’m working on my budget and getting it into a plan that I can hammer the bulk out over the summer or that’s the plan anyway. Not to mention get both my blog and design business cards made, I’ve had the designs finished for awhile now. While, I do have a prior design commitment that I have been working my tail off on once I get that squared away, I’ll have my cards printed!

Have you ever done something that people didn't expect of you? Did you go through with it, anyway or did you hold yourself back?

Feel free to leave a story or anecdote of any kind, it may be used for an upcoming article--so, I'm warning you now!