Sappy

I'm so frickin' sappy right now. Like, I don't recognize this person because I'm that type of sappy --Hallmark has nothing on me right now.

It's still a weird feeling to me because I wasn't raised around people who exhibited these types of emotions open and freely. Even though, it's all new to me I can't help but like it.

Granted, I do have moments of freaking out because I'm not used to being so open, yet the fear of being so open doesn't make me want to stop all that I'm feeling.

Anyway, I just have been thinking a lot lately. About the S.O. and myself and the big picture - is there going to be one, will it be apart or together? Just a lot of things. I will be honest, even though I love the thought of us being together for awhile, there is a part of me that freaks the hell out. Not because of her being a bad person but I guess that a part of me (no matter how small) wants to protect myself in case this doesn't work out. At least, with this I'm trying to self preserve and not self destruct. 

I have been thinking about schools, jobs and where I see myself in this life and I still can't really see myself here in Atlanta. I'm not saying Atlanta is bad and that I'd never come back but I really feel that it is time for me to move on. Which, is why I hope my condo sells and I can figure out this school situation. I really haven't been thinking about it that much because of work and derby but I really do need to think about it.

It also doesn't help that I'm not sure what I'll be getting financial aid wise. I did get a scholarship but this is NYC and I'm going to need more than that AND in my heart of hearts (here I go being sappy), I know I want my PHD and will my getting an MFA help me with that or will it just put me more in debt.

Debt. I don't even want to think about it, I miss academia but I'm not looking forward to being a poor student again.

Not to mention, the S.O. I know that we won't stop each other from pursuing what we want out of this life (which is wonderful and I love it) but it doesn't make it any less hard. I always have been kind of anti-LDR because I just feel it puts so much strain on relationships but I would try with her, even though I worry that we'll go to schools on the opposite sides of the country I just hope that it all works out in the end. If it is meant to, it will that is what I keep telling myself.

I plan to really talk to her about this, even though nothing is nowhere near set in stone for me until I hear back from the other schools. So we shall see.