...that I'm way too hard on myself. I'm hard on myself and I allow it to cripple me at times. Case in point, yesterday during the tornado/monsoon weather that we were experiencing in Georgia, I was curled up in the SO's bed, discussing schools and what not both of us enjoying the time that we had together. Now, call me private (which is irony being that I blog) but I find it hard to talk about my future school ideas with anyone outside my besties. Being that, I'm used to people analyzing and breaking down every little thing that I do; the besties get a pass because we've been through the war together and I know them.
I don't know the SO in that way...yet. She is as driven as me, that is for sure and she keeps me motivated to succeed in so many ways. I guess part of me is thinking about the big picture, in that, should I let my walls down enough when I would like to think we should be together for awhile but with how we want to conduct our educational goals; I'm not sure how feasible it all is.
Another thing about me: I think A LOT.
Suffice it to say, I ended up a slight emotional wreck. Now, when that happens I typically shut down and can't communicate not because I don't want to but I don't know how. Also, I'm not too keen on talking about emotional things when you are emotional; I rather wait until the storm has passed and I can look outside my situation which can happen in a matter or hours or days depending on the particular circumstance.
I'm still on the fence about Parsons MOSTLY due to the financial aid aspect. I have to wait to see how much I'm going to get. The scholarship will cover housing but it is NYC and I'm going to need more than that in order to survive and work is really not an option. I'm also waiting on GSU, I ordered new books for the GRE (and maybe one for the LSATs) because I'm just about to go all in...with everything.
I found out yesterday that I'm too old for the Rhodes Scholarship, which I'm not saying I planned on applying for but I think the realization of it all finally set in that I really don't have that much time. I know of people older than me who are in different stages of their academic career but I'm not going off of them but off of where I want to be. The fact is that I'm tired and I've been tired for awhile now and I'm ready to move forward.
Hence, my being hard on myself and sending myself into the welcoming arms of a nervous breakdown. I need to curtail that part of my personality, I just know I will be in the academic hustle for the next few years and part of me wishes I planned differently but I didn't.
Life got in the way and I had to take care of some things but now that I finally got a grip (and in some cases discarded), I can focus more on school now, which is both an awesome and nerve-wracking thing but I remind myself now that this is all up to me. There is no one else left in standing in my way this time.
Ya, the age thing is really a BITCH!! :P But keep looking.
I'm also trying not to over-think things. It's a really bad habit that I have. But I'm getting better and so are you, so there! :D
Posted by: Viajera | May 14, 2010 at 10:52 AM
I have no clue how old you are, but I feel pretty safe in saying that you have plenty of time. I'm an over thinker also. It's the pesty part of my personality. This quote always helps me: “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions” - Rilke
Posted by: Shannon | May 24, 2010 at 10:14 AM