Love. Self. Entirely.

I have realized...

...that I'm way too hard on myself. I'm hard on myself and I allow it to cripple me at times. Case in point, yesterday during the tornado/monsoon weather that we were experiencing in Georgia, I was curled up in the SO's bed, discussing schools and what not both of us enjoying the time that we had together. Now, call me private (which is irony being that I blog) but I find it hard to talk about my future school ideas with anyone outside my besties. Being that, I'm used to people analyzing and breaking down every little thing that I do; the besties get a pass because we've been through the war together and I know them.

I don't know the SO in that way...yet. She is as driven as me, that is for sure and she keeps me motivated to succeed in so many ways. I guess part of me is thinking about the big picture, in that, should I let my walls down enough when I would like to think we should be together for awhile but with how we want to conduct our educational goals; I'm not sure how feasible it all is.

Another thing about me: I think A LOT.

Suffice it to say, I ended up a slight emotional wreck. Now, when that happens I typically shut down and can't communicate not because I don't want to but I don't know how. Also, I'm not too keen on talking about emotional things when you are emotional; I rather wait until the storm has passed and I can look outside my situation which can happen in a matter or hours or days depending on the particular circumstance. 

I'm still on the fence about Parsons MOSTLY due to the financial aid aspect. I have to wait to see how much I'm going to get. The scholarship will cover housing but it is NYC and I'm going to need more than that in order to survive and work is really not an option. I'm also waiting on GSU, I ordered new books for the GRE (and maybe one for the LSATs) because I'm just about to go all in...with everything.

I found out yesterday that I'm too old for the Rhodes Scholarship, which I'm not saying I planned on applying for but I think the realization of it all finally set in that I really don't have that much time. I know of people older than me who are in different stages of their academic career but I'm not going off of them but off of where I want to be. The fact is that I'm tired and I've been tired for awhile now and I'm ready to move forward.

Hence, my being hard on myself and sending myself into the welcoming arms of a nervous breakdown. I need to curtail that part of my personality, I just know I will be in the academic hustle for the next few years and part of me wishes I planned differently but I didn't.

Life got in the way and I had to take care of some things but now that I finally got a grip (and in some cases discarded), I can focus more on school now, which is both an awesome and nerve-wracking thing but I remind myself now that this is all up to me. There is no one else left in standing in my way this time.

Old Traits

I have been rummaging through my old posts to see what I have been posting for the past couple of years and I really don't think I have any words for it all. References to El African, my mother, my dad's family, my brother are all woven together and blown apart in my mind repeatedly.

In particular, there is this post about relationships and wanting to move on from my self destructive tendencies and struggling with being able to do so.  I guess, I didn't realize how far I've come since then. I was reading over that post (and the others) and I was like, "Wow. Is that really me?"  Realistically, I know that is was but with how my mind operates now, I just can't fathom it but - of course - have no choice since there is visual proof.

I still do struggle with my self destructive habits. Even though, nowhere near as I did before being that I'm quite content and happy with my life at the present moment. With the addition of my S.O. I usually walk around with my head in the clouds but even without her in the picture, I was quite happy.

I'm not sure if or when any of my triggers will be set off or if they are, I'm not sure how I'll react this go round. I know that this is the first time that I was okay with myself prior to getting into a relationship with someone so I'm not sure what is in store but I'm trying my best to keep those negative traits from my past in my past where they belong.

Sappy

I'm so frickin' sappy right now. Like, I don't recognize this person because I'm that type of sappy --Hallmark has nothing on me right now.

It's still a weird feeling to me because I wasn't raised around people who exhibited these types of emotions open and freely. Even though, it's all new to me I can't help but like it.

Granted, I do have moments of freaking out because I'm not used to being so open, yet the fear of being so open doesn't make me want to stop all that I'm feeling.

More Changes are Happening

I almost don’t want to say this because I don’t want to jinx things but I’m so happy with my life right now

 

I’m still hoping that my condo will sell. Keep your fingers crossed for me because I am ready to leave this place. My realtor told me that it looks like it’ll happen towards the end of May. So, I’m going to do my best to stay positive until I hear otherwise.

 

Ready to Make Moves

I've been waiting with baited breath for the past month. My house has been under contract but we still have to get it approved by both banks. Hopefully, I'll hear something by the early part of April and if everything goes okay, we will be closing on the house in the middle of May. Which means, that I will be homeless and being that I haven't been seriously looking for new digs - I'm not sure how all this is going to pan out.  I am just trying to think positively about all of this because I am really ready to get this over and done with.

Applying to schools, everywhere. What else is new? I just hope to get into a program that I love and will be able to move there to go to school since my house will be sold (I aim to be pro-active in my positivity) by then.

What else? I'm in a relationship and it's all so amazing. I wasn't looking for or expecting it but I'm severely smitten - which is new to me because it usually takes me a long while to feel this way. This time, it just feels different but we shall see.

One last thing, I am about to go on my first vacation of the year. I am going to Vegas (again) on Easter and staying for the week. I'm quite excited, I'm approaching burn out with all that I'm doing with my life and I'm ready for some sleep.

Here's to living life in 2010. Now, I just have to get this school thing under control and I'll be set.

Taking a Look Back

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday and I remembered that March 2nd was an anniversary of mine. Not the typical - oh, I love you let us remember this fondly - type of memory, it is more along the I have no idea how I got to this point and I want to drive off and never to talk to anyone kind of memory.

 

A year ago, the ex and I finally cut our official ties. Granted, it did peter out for the duration of the year (to my chagrin) but it happened then…ironically, on his birthday. Which is why I probably won’t forget it. It was the day after my first roller derby bout ever, I let him use my rental car (the one I had to get after getting my car totaled taking him to work by a hit and run driver) so he could go see one of his closest friends for their birthday party and I was on cloud nine. We hooked back up later on in the night, he slept over my house and for some reason something didn’t seem quite right. Problem was, he had been flirtingly texting with the woman that his family wanted him to be with…in my house…right in front of me at times.

 

So, I summoned up the courage to ask him then and there if he loved me or not, he not knowing where the question is coming from and of course, I’ll never forget the answer as he sleepily answered that he loved and cared for me but that he wasn’t in love with me and that he couldn’t allow himself to be.

 

It hurt like hell and I remember crying myself to sleep with him right next to me, waking up enough to send a frantic email to my aforementioned friend and curl back into my ball. He left soon after that, it seemed easy for him – to leave me in a broken mess – massively in debt with no real car but I digress it’s not about that at the moment. This was the first time I was broken, right down to the core of my being and that shit sucked. It took me awhile to put myself back together; thankfully, I put myself back together with the help of some awesome girlfriends and even though I still have a few seeds of resentment that blossom every now and then, I can now look back on the person I once was and appreciate the person I am now.

 

I focus more on the positive; I can actually focus on myself and not the other person. I have lost 15 pounds; I’m more pro-active about selling my house. I have some new developments in my personal/romantic life and I’m going to Vegas and staying at a nice hotel in early April and I just look at my life and even though I have my bad days I am thankful to God and I’m also truly happy. It’s been awhile.

Trying to Keep Positive

Last week, I posted about trying indoor rock climbing at Atlanta Rocks! It was fun, I actually did better than I expected, I was the only one in my group who could climb to the top of one of the harder walls. I don't know HOW I did it because prior to the climbing I had to do one of the hardest 2 hour derby practices of my life (I was being assessed for the upcoming year) and I was already feeling weak. I found the strength to keep on, keeping on but the last wall, I got to over half way and I had to call it a day. Two hours of hardcore skating combined with two hours of rock climbing, I think I did pretty damn good.

At least, I succeeded at the rock climbing. I didn't pass my assessment, I really think some of it was on some bullshit but even though I felt like quitting then and there because I really did give it my all. I know deep down that I'm not a quitter - it stems from my family always putting me down - I can't ever let anyone know that they've gotten me and see me sweat. SO, I'm taking a mental derby vacation and I'm going to do other workouts and get myself back into sparring shape. I gained some weight last year and now I'm slowly starting to lose it. I just have to keep up with the good work. I have until April, I think I can do it by then.

This week, I plan to do Bikram Hot Yoga in Decatur. I bought a 5 class card and there is also a $30 ten day consecutive class offer for newbies, so I plan to do that.

Life is Amazing

I am here. Just been working a lot and applying to graduate programs and trying to get this house sold.

I've decided to embark on something different this year. I plan to challenge myself on anything that is safe, affordable and suits my fancy. One new thing a week, I'm not going to think about it. I'm just going to do it. It can be something life changing or mundane the only requirement is that it is something I've never done but I'm interested in trying.

First up, indoor rock climbing. My upper body strength sucks and I have a slight fear of heights but I'm ready to give it a whirl. 

I hope everyone else out there (who reads this) is having a glorious January. I know that mine is off to a pretty decent start.

Curbing My Disillusionment

"The longer you stay in one place, the greater your chance of disillusionment."

I received this as my Quote of the Day and it hit the nail right on the head. Even though lately I have been quite content and still moving myself towards leaving Atlanta (even though it is going quiet SLOWLY), it's nice to see some type of reinforcement especially when you are heading towards uncharted waters.

My two classes will be over next week, so I can focus on my side projects fully again. I'm quite excited and I have so many ideas that I can't wait to execute. Next week, I will also find out what team I'll be skating on next year so we shall see how that pans out; I'm not that excited about it but there is nothing I can do about it so I just have to move forward. 

Right now, I'm thankful. I have to buy some more dental insurance and I'm going to take care of my teeth. I have a lot of work I need to do and I'm going to just do it. No more excuses, I'm going to take care of me - wish me luck for I hate dealing with the dentist!

Next year will be a healthier me, the next part will be moving this condo but it'll get done. I know it will I just have to figure out how to go about it. Here's to 2010 (yes, I know I'm a tad bit early)!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Why Get Married (aka. Tiger Woods Y'all)?

I don't understand why in this day and age, it is still seen as inappropriate in plenty of circles for gay couples that are in loving and committed relationships to get married but it's okay for straight couples to make a mockery of this so called "sacred" right.

Give me a fucking break.

First there is Shaquille O'Neill and his various marriage drama. How did he go undetected for 5 years?! That, I don't know. Then there is Tiger Woods, the all American poster boy who seems to have had a jump-off in multiple cities while his wife sat at home with their children. At least she did what most women tend not to do in these situations, she took action and made him know that his actions were not okay but seriously, I don't understand the mentality of the cheating husband or wife.

I think as humans we know what we are capable of WHETHER you listen to that voice or not, you still know whether you are capable of being faithful or not. I personally want to scream when I see how all these people are rallying around these famous people or sports stars saying that they have all these other outside "temptations" that the common person doesn't, which I can't say that isn't true but I do believe people know about those type of "temptations" prior to getting married - since most get married while they are famous. So you know about the lifestyle and yet, you still decide to get married. Therefore, that doesn't hold with me, if you can't keep it together then either don't get married or at least divorce your spouse before you start stepping out.

Is it that hard? Is being married to somebody that complex or complicated? I tell you what, if more people who have had cheating done to them acted like Tiger's wife maybe cheating wouldn't be looked at as something that is readily accepted these days.