Love. Self. Entirely.

The Danger of the Single Story

 
I got this clip off of chookooloonks blog yesterday and I wanted to share this with you. Not only is Chimamanda Adichie beautiful but you can see and feel her aura during her speech about the single story. I wish I could share this with people in my life (both new and old) because even though it can be hard, I wish more people took the insight that there is more to one person, one group of people, one country than one type of story.

Like she states in her speech that stereotypes are not necessarily untrue but it's just a single story, therefore it blinds us if we don't ever go outside ourselves (our way of thinking) to see what else is out there. 

This speech struck home with me, mainly because as an American, black female I often feel that I have to "prove" myself to defend that I'm not a "single story" that my story is one of many but it's my own and no one else can claim that but me. I also try my best to see everyone not in groups but as individuals each bringing their own stories mixed with their own trials and tribulations that make them all unique. Authentic to themselves - I hope - stories that are bold and muted, stable and disjointed but each a story that shapes the person into the person that they are, which to me is beautiful (even if I don't understand everything about them). 

I will have to look into reading some of her books.

Assessing Your LIfe

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates

I think as humans we find it's easier to give advice than to take it (even if it's our own advice). Often times, the world is going by us so fast that it's often hard to take time to slow down and think. You only have 24 hours in a day and we spend 8 of them sleeping, 8 of them working and who knows really how we spend the remaining 8 most of the time.

I'll admit that I'm one of those people, it's hard for me to slow down; usually I operate between the realms of mania and hurried anxiety which of course leads me to eventually crash and burn and I don't leave my bed for a weekend but I digress...

The point I'm making is that we need to take that time sometimes, even if it bothers us, even if it goes against our nature and just figure out what the hell we are doing, is this path we are on working for us or were we led to believe that it would. If we "checked in" with ourselves as much as we checked in with our close family and friends, I think there would be more people in the world happy with their lives and their place in this world.

Or maybe, that's just my wishful thinking. Either way, I'm taking the time to change my path and pursue other things because what I was doing prior was not working for me, so far I'm nervous but I'm happier every day, so I have to be doing something right. 

I'm Moody.

 

I'll admit it. If anyone follows zodiacs at all, they would know that with my being a Cancerian - we are the most emotional out of all the zodiacs.

Lucky me. 

Still, I wouldn't classify myself as overly emotional - the opposite actually - I don't think I'm in tune with them enough but that is a post for another day. Let's get back to the moody side of my personality.

Now that I'm older, I can control my moody ways more than I used to but being moody is just something that will always be part of my DNA.

The sulking, the silence, the wanting not to be touched and wanting to be left alone is all parts or levels of my moodiness when it strikes. Granted, when I'm like this I typically go and sequester myself until the episode is over because it's not pretty. Some times, I can't even stand myself because I'm THAT moody. 

I really wish I could alleviate that part of myself because it really wrecks havoc on me sometimes and ironically enough, I'm seen as quite an optimistic person despite the moodiness. Go figure.

If anyone knows any way to kick that habit, feel free to pass it on. I need all the help I can get. 

My Familial Ideal

Okay, so I'm going to attempt NaBloPoMo - let's see how far I get. Even though, the site itself states that there is no theme for November, I think I'm going to blog about things that I often shroud in secrecy. I don't like to be an overly secretive person and I didn't used to be but having your personal thoughts and fears turned against you has a way of making you shut yourself off to others quite frequently. So, I'm going to use this blog to break through some of those walls I've been so good at building around myself all these years.

Living is Easy with Eyes Closed. Misunderstanding All You See.

Anyone that knows me KNOWS that I love the Beatles long time..well, I love the songs they started creating when they were high out of their damn mind. Case in point: Strawberry Fields Forever, it's hard to explain why I identify with this song at times. I think it mainly has to do with the how "all over" this song is - not to mention the video.

"In its simplest terms, Strawberry Fields is a reference to the small garden John played at when he was a little kid in Liverpool. We know that much for sure. So one could easily see the song as advocating an escape into a childlike existence. (indeed, that's probably not far from the mark) However, the lyrics (to me) imply something a bit darker. If you follow the progression of the verses, each one becomes more and more confused, and each one expresses confusion and a desire to just give up trying to make sense of things and a desire to drop out of the whole mess."

Being confused, not sure why things are muddle and not entirely sure whether you want to be there or not. Yes, that's me to a 'T'; granted, I can't just wallow in this feeling and I'm not but I believe that is why this song lately has struck a chord with me.

It's not you. It's me.

"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds. It is something one creates."

I think I'm influx in another identity crisis. I don't know if I have grandiose ideals of people or situations OR if I don't have high enough expectations and expect that things more often than not won't come to pass; I'm not exactly sure where on that spectrum I lie, I just know that it's time for me to stop allowing myself to exist there.

I will admit. I have been in a pretty foul mood lately not all the time but enough hours of the day that I'm starting to feel not like myself. I chop off some of it to my monthly hormonal cycle getting ready to rule it's head but I'll just fucking admit it, I'm just aggravated and fed up with bullshit (yes, including my own). 

Proust, Please?

Lately, I have immersed myself in self reflection, so much so, that I have actually stopped discussing it with my close friends (well, spare them) and have --in a matter of thinking-- taken a vow of silence. Of course, this doesn't stop my mind from whirling around and thankfully, I have found an outlet thanks to Funkybrownchick's ode to the Proust questionnaire. I'm always curious about the inner workings of people, strangers or otherwise because even the most un-complex person (like that exists) still has something intricate about themselves. It's really amazing to me, really. Anyway, I personally like answering these type of questions because even though I'm answering them to the best of my ability; I'm sometimes even surprised about what I'm really thinking (if I don't let myself get in my own way). 

Without further adieu, here are the answers to some of the Proust questions. If anyone reads this and wants to do this, please let me know - I'll definitely pop on over to your blog and have a look. 

I'm going home...

for a visit.

It's been awhile and I'm actually excited. I have already scheduled a date to see a friend and do some black Friday shopping. A play date(s) in DC, spending time with my white, gay boyfriend and  hopefully lots of drinking! OH, of course I'll see my daddy that's a given! He wants me to spend all my time with him but that's not happening - mainly because I'm not sure I could take it but I'm excited to see him. I haven't seen him since his surgery and I can't wait to be a daddies girl for a bit. I usually end up sitting with him, talking about life and watching movies and regress to being a 4 year old (in that, I always follow him around - ha). 

I haven't been this excited to go home in awhile. I guess I'm starting to miss my life up there NOT enough to move back though. I'm not sure I ever want to move back but I may entertain the idea of moving to the Washington metro area. Speaking of which, I need to check into George Washington for this program and start sending out resumes up there to see what bites.

I would like to be closer to my dad and my cool friends. I like that my brother is here in Atlanta but I'm ready for a change. I have some things on the back burner (that I will reveal shortly) that I'm putting into motion and 2010 will be an adventure for me, that's for sure. :)

I haven't felt this open and optimistic in a long time and for that reason alone, I'm truly grateful. I have so much I want to do and experience and now I know it was just me and my decisions keeping me from feeling this. I have so much homework due, I think I might take off later on today to take care of that and clean my room. I have to leave town to do derby things Friday night but when I come back, I have more homework and I need to catch up on stuff at the office. I have SO much that I need to do and it keeps growing so I need to take care of it before it gets out of control.

Thanksgiving can't get here quick enough. 

Sam Cooke-A Change Is Gonna Come

I have been playing this song (mainly the one Otis Redding sung) but it's fitting to how I'm feeling right now. A change is gonna come for me -whether I'm ready for it or not- but I'm going to move forward in spite of myself.

Besides, they don't sing like this anymore. Granted, I wasn't even a blip on the radar when this song came out. It doesn't mean that I can't feel this song any less.

I'm not going to take it

Last night, I went to my first derby practice in Stone Mountain. It wasn't as daunting as I grew to expect. I was perfectly fine with it, actually. I did have some pangs because I realized I wasn't that far from my ex's but I wasn't as sad --it was more bittersweet because there was a part of me that wanted to see him and there is the other part (the bigger part) that just wanted to go to the skating rink, do my thing and then leave. 

The practice was hard, which I'm happy for because I'm trying to tone up and lose some poundage but on my way back across town, I received two texts from my roommate. She texted me around 10:30 - 10:45 at night --she's been out of town -- asking if I would come to the airport (that was the first text) to come  get her, the second text asked if I couldn't do that would I mind picking her up from the station. Her flight would be landing at 11:50pm. I didn't even bother to respond. 

Lately, I have been more cognizant of the folks I deal with in my daily life and yes, we do live together but I really don't deal with her NOT because she isn't a nice person --she is-- but I don't have time to deal with people who want me to help them out on their terms. She was gone all weekend but asked me an hour before she was supposed to land for a ride? When she knows I have to get up and work the next day and I don't have the luxury of sleeping in because I don't work nights (like she does). Did I also mention that she owes me half the rent for October, which I have been somewhat nice about - well, I gave her to the end of this week to come up with something. So, I didn't answer her, I went home, took a shower and went to bed. No more, says I. No more. I'm not extending myself for people who barely extend themselves for me. 

I hate when I have to let my inner bitch out. I prefer a quiet, serene life but after all the stuff I've allowed to happen to me in regards to my ex, my family and some of my friends; I really don't have the time, energy or want to be flexible for people. I've been flexible all of my life; I'm spent, I will only help people who I know will help me.